My Very First Ramadan

A new chapter in my life begins today. Can't say I am totally excited about it. Sardonistically, I've been dreading this day for the longest time, even though many of the people around me have been waiting eagerly for the longest time. Ramadan.

Living in Indonesia for some years, the concept of Ramadan is nothing new. In fact, it seems to come and go faster while you're in Indonesia. Don't know why, just seems like it. Probably Chinese New Year was only recently celebrated when I left my posting there some years ago. Dewali (yes, there is also a "Lilttle India" known as "Kampung Keling" in Medan) is not widely known. Not even mentioning Mooncake, Dumplings among other festivals. Easter is quietly celebrated (I still remember the St. Joespeh Church was bombed), just like Christmas. "Ching Ming" sees the largest number of trans-migrants.

Anyways, my right to full initiation in Islam began only on the 16th of September. And in 8 days, the fast begins. I thought I was as strong as my mettle could hold. I was wrong. DEAD WRONG.

Not eating, drinking or smoking's fine. I don't eat 3 full meals a day anyway. I drink about 6 litres of water a day and I smoke 2 packs of 40 cigis a day. Ok, I can drink less and smoke less. The difference is I KNOW I can drink and smoke if I wanna. This is a whole new concept.

And it doesn't help that I have guests coming into Singapore too. It doesn't one bit.

Today is the first day of the Holy Month. And I have failed miserably. Very miserably. I forced fed myself rice and fried chicken doused in chilli at 3am. I ate myself silly and drank 2 litres of water in that hour and smoked 4 sticks of my fav brand of cigis. I slept, thinking I have already exceeded my quota for the day till evening. Like I said, I was wrong. I was DEAD WRONG.

I lost my temper (even though I have a short fuse, I would like to think I can control it well), became irritated and even more frustrated. not because of the process of fasting. It peeves me to see children a quarter of my age handling it well. I felt ashamed. Near 32, conversion is not an easy process, especially when you already have a fixed idea of how the world works, and the tiny little part you play in it.

I am not as strong as I thought I was. I gave in. I make a bad prisoner of war. I had my first cigi at 1130am. It was beautiful... the worst part? I don't feel guilty about it. I accept the weakness in me. It is a relavation. So I guess I did not come out poorer from this experience. But who am I kidding? You can say I hide behind the curtain of the excuse that I am a Mualaf. But like I said, fuck it, I'm only kidding myself. But heck... see? And they say the Devil's all locked up during this month. I say they're given extra powers! Else, I'm stronger than Satan! Yeah! This MF better watch out!!!

Yes, ALL the people I meet tells me that it is all right, and that I should start with baby steps. Being me, I never like doing things small, or doing small things. Either I do it or I don't. Ok, this pisses many people off. But the hell I care. And honestly, I still don't. Care, that is. I am doing this for the person I love. And yes, I've let her down. I know... is there a way to make up for this failure of mine?

jahwsl
23 Sept 06'