After The Dust Settles...

Is my God as forgiving as I think He is? I sure as hell hope so. I downed 2 cans of beer and never got through the 3rd day of fasting. And as I've mentioned, there was no guilt. I can almost see my cocky self... Flash back...

My best friend said to me just a few hours ago, "if you are as God fearing as you say you are, why don't you fast". I told her my reasoning was that I do not have to fast to prove that I am fearful of Him. Again, the bullet of realisation shot before I even finished my sentence. Now... don't I look like the fool (well... I would like to think I'm never smarter than that... so there!). One - Zero... to you.

Today came in a flash. Most part of the day... nothing happened. Took a bus ride to JB and back. Used the new automated passport reader... again.. like a fool. The nice chap in his ICA uniform gave me instructions on how to slide my passport. I wasn't being difficult when I said "Wait. Let me read the instruction first" (if you all wonder why I am being a smarty ass... I just paid $60 smackaroos for my brand new passport...). But he was patient... and polite... And I thanked him profousely after when I realised that the aunty beside me was way faster than me to clear the gate. Nothing seemingly wrong with this picture. But there is a slight detail. He is malay. And therefore, I assume, a muslim. Nothing wrong with that. But I guessed this morning when he took his dawn prayer, he must've asked not to meet a jerk like me. His God must've sent me to test him. Is this divine will? Is this what they asked me in my confirmation exam?

Talking about confirmation, it is a little funny how it's done in Islam. In a Catholic church, if you are not a born Catholic, you will, upon decision (and intake of classes) be invited to attend RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation - Adult. Yup... I went through the pomp & pagentry). You attend weekly meetings for a year or so (biblical year.. no prizes for guessing how many days there are in a year), then you get baptised. It's a beautiful ceremony. All the altar boys (we do we call them altar boys when some of them already in NS...) and servers (older folk)... all men (for after all... women are never seen as being as close to God as men... don't know why. I still think it's a fuck rule... Anyway... everyone from the altar boy to all the priests... and if you're lucky... the bishop would be around to baptise the initiated. Next... you have another year to prepare yourself for what you call "confirmation". This is when you chose another name (preferably a christian name... but I know pf people who call themselves fuck names...) and you are confirmed. It's like obtaining your class 2B... probation for a year... then you get your 2A... if you're still alive that is.

But over here... well, at least for me... all I had to do was call and fix a date. 2 days later I received my light blue conversion card. Simple. In all honesty.. I did not complete my BCI (Basic Course in Islam) nor did I complete my Soolat classes. I did not complete my BCI because my teacher was late more often than not and saw no need to inform me. I see punctuality as an important virtue... or lack of. i stopped. I did not complete Soolat classes for 2 reasons: 1) I was the TOP student (all right.. there were only 2 of us... 3, if you include the guy who joined us halfway...). So... being too smart for my own good, I thought I knew all there was to know about prayer and praying. Afterall... it's just recitation and posture right? Well.. fuck me silly then. 2) I was busy with work. By now I think I should let you know that I NEVER attend classes held for converts in groups. I insist on individual or afternoon sessions. DA is filled with people who have time on their hands anyway... no biggie... right? I did not bother to wait for an answer. I can be such a jerk. You're right Su. Two - Zero (you must be smirking you lil' $^%$... I love you anyway).

Our conversation then drifted to my failings as a person. It was pointed out to me that I bitch (I do? *Shrugs & Sad Puppy Dog Eyes*). I need not say more... Three - Zero.

For you guys who think that what negativity could sweet old me possibly posses more of?! Well... this is more of a self-realisation. I was invited to break fast with some people. People, in most cases, I do not interact with, unless there is something important mention or discuss. But in most cases, I can go on in a month without saying a word to any of these people. Dinner with simple, yet.. how do you put it? Elaborate? At least elaboratly presented. I was touched by the warmth and generousity shown to me. Ok... I admit I can be a bitch... Four - Zero. I was immediately humbled. Ashamed of my past behaviour and (ok... now drinking beer doesn't seem like such a good idea to start with. But... for the record, I was dying for one for the longest time. And it's not to get back at anyone) possibly my future behaviour, I'd probably falter and miss my mark again. But... my consolation is: in order to be old and wise... you gotta be young and dumb. But who the fuck am I kidding? An excuse I give myself for not wanting to try harder. Shame on you Jeremy.

It is true that I have high expectations of myself. And when I fall, I would like to think that I fall alone. That is not the case. I've learnt much from you about me... my lil' smellly monkey. My silence does not help. And probably these times apart can do us good. Well... actually I know it'll suck for me... but whatever makes you happy (scratching my chin... never like keeping a stubble of hair above and below my lips and on my chin... but whatever you think makes me look sexy to you baby...).

The actions that I took were probably extreme. I am an extreme person. I make no denials about that. It is who I am. It is what I do. But I have failed to see that my insistence on matters hurt those around me. For that I am sorry. For that I will try to change. It will take time. But then again, if I am as extreme as I think I am... then it shouldn't take too long... let's aim for tomorrow shall we?!

My heart belongs to you Su. My life is in your hands. How can a person say that he truly loves someone and not sincerely want to become a better person? I'd take a bullet for you any day of the week... and twice on a Sunday. I'd smell your fart like it was the nicest thing ever produced from the smallest orifice in the human body (yes... even mine is smaller than my nostrils) and basked in it. I'd wipe your bogger from your nose and keep it in my pocket. When I get home, I'll stick along the wall... proving there's an alternative to blue tack. I'd sing you lewd hokkien songs and ... wait... I do that already.

I honestly accept you for who you are. I guess by now people who have spent a considerable amount of time with you knw that you're as wacky as you dress and you're as sensitive as the hide you call a skin. Which can be bullshit. You are only tough on the outside. You let not what you want bother you. But I would to think that I know you better than that. Being wrong during this holy month seems to be the in-thing for me. I'll not attempt to reverse that.

You'e right. I may have gotten ahead of me... and you by wanting to do everything for you. I realise that now. I admit that I am not as smart as I look (of course... I would like to think I am smarter... than the cat next door). Sorry. Fuck. Sorry maybe enough for you, but I'm still kicking myself. the tears you cried could well fill a fucking god-damm swimming pool (not the pool-let/pool-ling that we saw in Dunman Heights), but an Olympic sized one. Sigh... sighing.. till now, is the best I can do... but wait...

Mark Twain once said " if you ask me to forgive, I am able to do that. But if you ask me to forget, you ask me to give up life's experiences". I ask you not to forget... for history teaches us not to make the same mistakes that we or others have made...

Shakespeare had also said " All good intentions lead to hell". I agree wholeheartedly. For the reason that what good intentions we may have for someone, may not be the intended for the someone. Dont' make sense? Well... slap me silly. It's 210am... what the fuck you'd expect? My fingers do the thinking at this time of night.

Sweet dreams kid. I'm gonna miss you. Remember to watch where you're walking. Remember to wash your hands after you play with the cats (especially the fat orange one). I maybe naggy... that's cos I try my best in it. May His grace be onto you. And may He be gracious enough to grant me the strength and courage to be a better person. And may He forgive me of my sins (which I doubt He will... and if He doesn't... I don't give a rat's ass. I live my life for you, and no one else. If He wants to fuck me over, then get it over and done with. I only hope that when I do get fucked over... He will replace me with someone better... better for you than I ever have been. I am sincere and true. Dying for you is easy... it's trying that kills me!!! Argh!!!).

Wassalam,
jahwsl
29 Sept 06'