End of the line...

Peace did not come to me today. And I strongly believe it did not meet Su as well.

To all my friends whom have been reading my progession as a muslim in this holy month of Ramadan, I am sorry to disappoint. I have decided not to be a practising one as of now. I will only be one in name. My primary objective to convert and attempt to learn the faith was for the purpose of being with Su. The other things should seem to just fall into place. Of course, there's this thing called going for classes, reading, etc, etc. in order for things to fall into place. Unfortunately, this is not meant to be. I make no apology nor remorse. I feel no guilt nor anger. I simply accept things the way they are. God knows I've tried. And I dare say no one tries as hard as me.

It was never my intention to go to heaven in the first place. The day I converted, the registrar told me my sins are completely wiped off. I am like a new-born. I told him I do not believe in that crap (word for word). If I did, whatever happened to accountability? Am I forgiven of the sins I've committed over the years? Yes, He may forgive me, but I wouldn't even forgive myself. It's all about accepting the truth and not running away. I do well at both. Unfortunately.

And why would I wanna go to heaven for anyway? In Catholism, everyone, before they enter through the pearly gates, would have to pass through this stage called purgatory. It is a place to cleanse you of your sins (for heaven is without sin). Thefore, in my limited understanding, I would like to think that it's more about being afraid to go to hell (and that's why you try not to screw up in life) in that faith. In my even lesser understanding of Islam, going to the mosque and standing closer to the prayer guy up front and centre gains you more points, just like fasting... I think (I stand to be corrected). Whichever the case, I don't give a rat's ass.

You pray because you want to give praise and worship to God. You want to seek help from the Almighty to guide and bless the people you care and love all around you. You do not pray because it is expected of you nor because it is in your heritage. It's about sincerity.

I live the way I live my life is because it's the way I want to live it. I don't blame God nor anyone for my failure to abstain for the simplest things in life... that to most people can do without for the most part of their lives. I don't blame the authority for shoving bits and pieces of useless information (at least to me - when asked why I should fast and practise abstainence... the answer almost comes immediately - "because it's good for you". Well, I remember in the army, we used to sing this while performing our usual 5 BX: "PT - Good for you, good for me- Hoo ah... Give me MORE!"... ya right...). I accept failure. And I accept the consequences. If it means that I am not a good muslim or person, so be it. I'm not crying or losing sleep over it.

I've been told I am arrogant as well as proud (I mean in the cocky sense of the word), and people find it hard to speak to me. My defense is that I am not unreasonable. Just don't tell me the simplest thing and expect me to take it all without wholesale question. After all, isn't Islam a religion of science? Aren't we all encouraged to question and seek the truth? Shouldn't we, as believers seek the faith and improve our understanding?

As a convert, I have it easier than most born-muslims in some aspects. I can question and argue and not fully understand what is being said. I can use the excuse that I am new and therefore I am still learning. I try not to do both. I have it worse in other aspects, like fasting and the ability to understand arabic. The truth is, I have high expectations of myself. And from time to time, I do fall down. I try not to bring those around me down with me when I fall. That is why it is better to leave me alone to reconcile and reflect about myself and what I did wrong or insufficiently.

I do feel ashamed about giving in to my nicotine fix. Generally, for a person who smokes 40 joints (ok... it's not pot, but it sounds nice) a day and at least 5 cups of coffee, how can one expect to cease it overnight (or when the sun is in the sky)? But I make no excuse for that. I have done it for 2 days straight. I faltered today because I could not see why I am doing this for. I gotta be honest, I need a reason for everything I do. And today, that reason did not come as hard or as clear enough. I gave into the battle with the devil within me.

Funny thing, I was online with a friend, and he said that if a kid can do it, so can I. Well, my reply is the kid has more practise than me. He is surrounded by parents who encourage (or use force... whichever works right?) and are there doing the same thing. Tell that to a soon-to-be 32 year old who has not fasted willingly before.

Do not blame yourself Su. Your intentions are good and well-headed. Your words of encouragement were probably not what I needed to hear. But the onus does not lie with you. It lies with me. Whatever I do, or fail to do, I will bear the consequences. I still do love you greatly... more than you ever dare to believe. That's why I am doing this...

29 Sept 06'