"No more white form"... Ya right, you god damm son of a motherless goat!

Woke up at 9 today. Did not decide whether I was gonna fast, so I thought I'd make a trip to JB. Expecting it to be really crowded, I was pleasently surprised, for I REALLY wanted to kill time, even if it meant standing in queue in KASTAM. Left home for JB at 10am.

Anyway, was a breeze through immigration and stuff. Had RM16 + RM4 in coins that I wanted to use first. In the end, I just bought a pack of cigi that costs me RM 7.40 (no prizes for guessing the brand). Took a bus back.. and the whole shopping experience took me less than 2 hours. Sigh... was hoping there would be a crowd.. at least I wouldn't be so aimless now...

These few days has been an euphoria of thoughts and feelings. Emotional and physically drained, I just don't know what to do. Getting off the bus from JB... it was 1230pm. Still too early. I thought to myself, since I lasted this long... let's see if I can go all the way... headaches developed about 3pm. And I hallucinated by 330pm. I must've opened and closed the fridge and food cupboards at least 12 times, telling myself what I am gonna break fast with and smelling the smells of the fragrances of the dishes I planned to cook (yes... my brain can process smell electrodes to my nose). Ok, by now, I know that the food committee does not offer murtabak anymore, so I do not have high hopes of getting a normally costed $7 - $8 meal for free...

Ok... why I fasted today? Here's the deal: I have no fucking idea. I gave up on wanting to try to be a good muslim. Some of us just don't have what it takes, well, at least for me. So, recognising that... I just have to find my other strengths. Maybe I've been to hard-headed. So I guess... I'll just push to my limits and see where it can get me....

Funny thing happpened when I was at the Ba'alwi for the two nights ago... and no... I did not fast that day either... guess I used up all my chances ah? The 7 days (so what you gonna do to me ah?! What? Thought it was between Allah & me?). Anyway... did magrib prayers there. As usual... I am up front and centre. After prayers... we all lined up and shook the imam's hand. Weirdly enough, the people in front of me lined up against the imam one by one... thought this could be a ramadan thing... so I lined up as well... fuck shit! Then I realised that they were all holy men.. or well... at least I've seen all of them lead prayers... and this mutha fucking ass wipe was standing beside them and shaking the rest of the congregations' hands... how dumb can I be? The answer's obvious...

Tonight, after payers where we usually do our sunnat of 2 raka'ats, the "police" of Ba'alwi rubbed this scented thing on my hand. Well... he pulled me while I was walking to find a spot to pray and rubbed it hard on my hand. He's a nice gentleman... looks like Jins Shamsuddin... but I don't know how Jins looked like (yes... even when I called him... I had no idea what he looked like. Managed to see a picture of him... really nice guy on the phone. No airs about him. He knew I couldn't speak Melayu, so we conversed in Bahasa Indonesia... really polite chap, for his position). Ok... deviated again.. pai seh ah... The "police" of Ba'alwi is a very nice guy who calls me Amir Hamzah. By now, I have a small following of people whom recognise me as the "Cina who speak like Ang Moh" - Some call me Jeremy... most call me Amir Hamzah. Su, the name you chose for me is perfect. People can associate that name with me very well. I would really hate to be called a Mohammad, Rafik, Taufik, Bur Bur Cha Cha or Keh-tiak. Thank you very much... *muah* *muah* *muah*

I had a very bad day that night too. Me being me... I would usually join them to break fast, then go fr a cigi, do my ablution and then pray the 2 raka'ats for margib before prayer proper. Was coming out of the ablution area when this old geezer was blocking the way. Ok... I got the timing right... so I cannot be late (I HATE TO BE LATE FOR PRAYER! Or anything for that matter...). I said "HEY FUCK" to him. He turned and apologised. Then it hit me... I AM IN A MOSQUE!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING SAYING "HEY FUCK"???!!! Another one for the annals...

Things are looking up... it's better when I alienate myself from the rest of the muslim population and do it my pace... and my way. And only meet them for prayers. I do not need to make many muslim friends now. I need to settle my own misgivings first. Once I am confident, then and only then can I expect to intergrate into the community (wait! Did I hear myself say INTERGRATE??!!!)... ah well... always a first time for everything.

Dear Allah... thank You for the strength You have given me. I ask that You bless everyone who is in my life (fuck the rest who are trying to get me, they do not deserve Your mercy ok?), those who are reading this... and especially Your messenger to me, in the form of Suraya. Bless each and everyone of us who have embraced Islam, willingly or otherwise (because some of us were born into it and have no fucking choice) and lead us back when we have gone astray. We pray too for the unbelievers, especially Osama and his merry men of cock-sucking cowards who hide behind rocks and call themselves Your creation. I am as sure as the hair on satan's ass that You did not create them for this purpose. Bring them towards You again oh Lord....Amin

jahwsl
01 Oct 06'