Revelation... or so it seems...

My thoughts & reflections comes to me most clearly when I am cleaning & washing my living and work area. Funny, I used to think that like in television, most people who'd reflect or who experience sudden bursts of realisation would be lying on a couch (I have that, but I almost never use it for lying down) or sipping coffee/tea. It comes to me when I am dirty and smelly from the chores (I vac and mop almost everyday).

I have been a real jerk. Yes I have (I can see you all shaking your head and patting my shoulder). No, it's true. I have been a god damm sonna bitch (no offense mommy - figure of speech). The very things I accuse people of, are the very things that I am guilty of. I lack consideration, tack, smarts, courage, benolavence. What the fuck's wrong with you jeremy? Who died & made you god?!

As I grapple with the decision to fast in this holy month. As I try to work out a strategy at this crossroads in my life. I realise something. I have a real damm warp sense of identity. Being belligerent and being able to get away with it seems to me like the perfect plan all the time. I do not have to be answerable... as long as I can get away with it. Dude... then where's your sense of honour and pride? Again I am shamed (this is getting too mellow drama... even for me! But it's my fucking blog... & i'll cry if I wanna!)

The thing that struck me most was the hospitality that was shown to me. Like I've mentioned in the previous post, the people I meet with are the people I can go on for days and weeks without saying a god damm word. And the worst part? I was a mean mutha fucker. I am ashamed. Here we have, those people that I have hurt, welcoming me into their meal. The graciousity of this act made me realise some things.

1) I am not as forgiving as I thought I was;
2) Seeing things as objectively does not apply to everything - dead or alive;
3) My faith in God is as tiny as the size of the balls of an ant - for I did not see the good in people;
4) I do not communicate as effectively as I thought - I talk too much;
5) I am a fool... through & through (by now most of you would know that already...)

Fuck it... I need a break. Writing these... fuck.. don't make me feel good about myself at all. KNN... NBCB.... to be cont'd

Part II - The Continuation

After feeling angry with myself, just a couple of hours ago, I thought it would be a good idea to pick up the Holy Book. On my table now, there are 2 of such books, both presented to me in solemn ceremonies. The Holy Quran & The Holy Jerusalam Bible. The Bible, was given to us (about 20) during a feast day in the Church Of Saint Mary of The Angels. Attended by a full congregation in the old church, the head honcho presented it, together with a cross (the size of my palm, but the lanyard accompanying it could not fit into my huge head (I was the only one. And I was one of the the youngest). The whole church prayed for our group. It was the beginning of my RCIA. And inevitably, I was the first few to drop out (I think I was the only one who dropped out).

The Holy Quran was presented to me in a bag, together with essentials for a muslim - beads (have not figured how to use them), a VCD (still in it's plastic wrapper), a sarong (ok... this i use. I do not have the habit of wearing long pants, in or outdoors, a compass that did not come with an instructional guide, a skull cap (it tends to mess my hair, and I do not keep a long fringe anyway), and a couple of pieces of paper which found their way into the trash (I did not bother to read it).

Instead of a congregation full of well-wishers, the only people present there was the love of my life - Su, my witness - Shafie (the other guy stood me up, so we got one guy from the staff to sign on the certificate when we were done), El & Wan. No pomp nor pageantry. No dress code (except for long pants), no blessings made with holy water. Only a simple "you sure no one forced you into this" and "you really sure no one forced you into this?". And in less than an hour, I received my temporary muslim certificate (I insisted everyone came on time).

The similarity between the 2 events was that I was supported by a group of well-wishers, regardless the strength in numbers. For both events, I tried to feel touched by Him, but nothing came. Some people, like my classmate, nearly cried. Others I've seen did cry. I felt no overwhelming urge to shed my tears of joy. In all honesty, my single-mindedness to achieve my objective displaced any emotions. Once this objective was achieved, it was the focus on the next one.

I know I've digressed, but bear with me. What happened the couple of hours between my last entry & now... I sat and thought. I picked up the Quran for the first time since I received it on the 5th of May this year. Prior to this, the thought had never crossed my mind to read it. My literature read consisted mostly of Steve Coll's works.

It's all about getting back to basics, isn't it? What is Islam. Islam is a religion of submission and obedience. What is a muslim. Well.. a muslim is someone who... OH MY GOD!!! How could I forget this?! I just took the exam less than 2 weeks ago!

I reflected long and hard (ok, not so long., just hard). It is overwhelming now. It bowls me over like the feet of a elephant stamping on a blade of grass. In an instant lasting longer than a flash, all the events that happened over this past year came back to me. The faces of people I've hurt and angered came runnning to me.

I am not a good muslim. I have been making excuses for myself. I am ashamed. As I took my ablution, my sincerity in wanting to pray was stronger than I've ever felt. How many rakaats should I do? After all, I've not done a single one since 3 days ago. I'll start with 2, I figured. Overwhelmed seems to be an overused word. If I could find a stronger one, I would. My limited vocabulary of the english language does not permit that search.

My sense of renewal has been delayed by me and my own logic of what is and is not important in my life. I failed to submit. I failed to obey. Other mother fuckers can go on gossiping and bad mouthing and do whatever they god damm wanna do. To fuck with them. I WANNA be a good muslim. And Allah, I ask you give me the fucking strength to do it. I ask you to give me the strength not to fuck with some of these ass shits I meet. I pray that you grant me the wisdom to stay the course... Your Course. As Jesus once said, I am the Truth & the Light... I ask You, oh Allah to give me the determination to learn more about Your words, so I do not have to keep quoting Jesus, no matter how nice a guy he may be. I WANNA learn about YOU! Please teach me!!! And... please give me the strength to refrain from using curse words...

Yours in Allah,
jahwsl
29 Sept 06'