Ode

We never spoke much. We were always busy with things. I was always busy with things. We didn't get along that well for that matter. I was your second child. Your first was obedient and filial, at that age anyway. He was the doted the most by everyone. But I know you loved me more, despite that you always tell us that you love us both the same. He always had the best things. Clothes, shoes, birthday parties from everyone. He was the first born of the family and what more male. His standing was and will always be greater than mine. What I had was always from you. I know you loved me and still do. I just wished I had told you that more than the times that I did when you were here.

I miss you terribly. I miss you so so much. I wish I could just hug and kiss you like good sons would do on amercian tv. I know you'd like it. Yen Yen, Sven, Olivia and Candice did that all the time. Jeff said nice things to you. I never was the son you wanted me to be did I? Never went to school, got the scholarship but didn't follow through my first year, didn't want to further my studies, didn't want to get into the family business like everyone did. I knew it hurt you that I travelled as much as I did. I know you missed me too when I wouldn't come back for close to a year. I know... I know... But as a good son I gave you what I could then, or rather what I thought you wanted, which was in fact what I wanted you to have. You've suffered so much. I thought money and material comfort would make you happy. I thought driving you around in my brand new Camry, with you seated at the back although there was only the both of us would somehow make you feel special. Bringing you to fancy restaurants and buying designer labels for you, which you kept wrapped in clear plastic and never wore, would make you feel important. Maybe for a minute it did.

You had a hard time when you married him. He was a loud-mouth drunk who'd beat you up when he lost at the races or when he felt like it. I grew up fast and strong so that I could protect you. I hit him hard just the way he hit you. For every bruise he gave you, I gave him two. But did I do enough? Did I stop the bleeding inside as I grew older? As I became more "worldly"? As I became more arrogant and disrespectful? I knew you never stopped loving me. I also knew you wished I had evolve like a regular person, without so much aggression and passion. I could tell it was getting to you. The girls I brought home did not register well with you. And you made it very clearly known to everyone. That was you. The funny and weird side of you. Nice and gentle as you are, I know you always wanted me to marry a muslim girl. You could never ask that of any of your sons, but you somehow knew I would come through for you. You just knew. I can see you smiling now... wherever you are...

She's right for me, I'm sure you'd agree. She's pretty, gentle and one thing that the both of you have in common: She doesn't know how to handle me. I'm sure you'll love her. I'm sure. I'm certain you both would have much to talk about. I'm sure. I know you'll love her as your own, for afterall, I am your favourite son.

You could never out-talk me. But you could always out-smart me. You were the only one I would listen and give in to among everyone. And somehow, you never really fought as hard as you did for what you wanted from me because you knew I would give in to you. And you knew it irritated the hell out of me too. But you did it anyway. You knew... you always somehow knew...

I do wish that I could speak to you now. I'm causing her as much pain and hurt that I've caused you. I really do not know what to do now. Why can't you just be here when I needed you? Why can't you slap, cane or hit me while I was younger? Why didn't teach me more instead of letting him bring me out for my first drink and cigi? I wished I was as homely as I am now. I really wish. I wish I wasn't the one who'd get into trouble all the time. I wished I didn't get into fights as often as I did. There are so many things that I wish for.. so so many...

As I am approaching 32 now, I realise how much I should've said what I should've said. My days are not for much longer. And probably I would join you soon. I miss you so so much mommy. I really do. I want to love you the way a son should love his mother. You've always been my hero. I could always depend on you. You were always there when I needed someone to just be there physically. You were... Sorry for causing you all those hurt, pain and sorrow. Forgive me mommy. I love you...

jahwsl
0106
12 Oct 06'