What makes a good Muslim again?!

I have to keep reminding myself that a good muslim is a practitioner of Islam. What is Islam. In a nutshell, it is a religion of Submission & Obedience. Ok.. remember that... don't forget again.

I cannot deny that I am sometimes hard on myself and equally on others too. For the past week or so, I've been dreading this Sunday (tomorrow). I've asked Su to ask her mother to come over to break fast. Su's obviously excited. It's my first real step to wanna make things better of the relationship between her mother & me. Well... on the surface. Fact of the matter I just want to close the whole affair. I have been feeling fucked for the past week when I issued the invite. It came about when her mother offered me to go to her house to break fast anytime I want. Now why the fuck would I wanna to that? I don't even like her! & I told myself that I would never step into her house again, no matter for what.

It is no secret that her mother and me do not see eye to eye on many (almost all) issues. I am not superstitious, paranoid, stupid (at least I hope not), narrow minded, possess the fear of dying, etc... I am as straight as they come. My tolerance for ignorance and especially superstition is... nope... I do not tolerate it one bit, regardless who's mouth it comes out from. The Church does not approve of it, and neither does Islam. So, when a Muslim does not allow the eating of 2 separate plates of rice (in one meal) because culturally the person is worried that the person eating it may have 2 spouses, I see it as practising superstition. Fuck the culture. It's satan's practise! I've confirmed with him... he's beside me now.

But I do recognise the expectation Su has, over wanting things to improve between her mother and me. I owe her that much to try. I am not great, and therefore I am not expecting a miracle (don't believe in it anyway...)

I love Su, and one measure of loving a person, I personally feel, is giving all you got till it hurts. Afterall, show me a perfect relationship (not to say that one does not exisit) and I'll show you a hundred that aren't.

Anyway, I was all right the whole day today, abeilt a little tantrum throwing... till we went to the supermarket. Just when I was about to buy 2.5kg of chicken wings to prep for tomorrow's dinner, she told me that because of the haze, her mother might not want to come over. What the fucking dick shit? Here I am, preparing to prep to tomorrow's dinner, and if the haze does not let up, I'm stuck with all the food? I lost my temper. It was 6pm. I fasted the whole day. I lighted up a cigi because I was so angry. Maghrib was 53 minutes later. Su teared, but probably for the right reasons this time. Not because I broke the fast this late in the day, but becuse of the paranoia that her mother exhibits, was putting a strain on the whole thing. I agree. And I wasn't about to educate anyone on anything. It seems I am the one losing out here, and in most cases I am. So the fuck do I care about improving a person. I am not an angel myself. And I do not profess to be one, unlike those fuck heads.

No one cares enough to put a stop to her nonsensical behaviour. Not her mother's brothers or sisters. No one. This shows only one thing. No one cares enough. Simply put, a paranoid person not only destroys herself inevitably, but also the people around her. Being stubborn is one thing. Being sensible to recognise it is another. Good reason why other than her family who allows her to behave in the punity senseless way that she does, no one wants to get too close to her. Some people never grow up. And shame on her family too. They use a shield a curtain called "Tolerance" to disguise the fact that they do not want to try hard to help their own. Lousy sense of loyalty and possibly laziness and self gratification. I question their love for their own.

But, like I said, a deliverable measure of the person you truly love is to give it all till it hurts. I've verbally fought with and ridiculed almost her whole family (except Yusoff. Is the spelling correct? He's such a nice guy), and met with little resistance. No confrontations from their end. Chicken shit cowards. Not many people can out-talk me and other than having their own opinions, they've nothing to back their words up. I have no respect for such people. You see the world as what you see the world. Your reality is fucked. That is why you will always remain where you are. Even if you don't, the fuck I care. I don't owe you anything.

It's a bitter pill for me to swallow. And make no mistake, I do it willingly without condition. For you Su, I'll do anything. I've fought off your family and friends who have initallly disapproved of our relationship (yup... those people who says that Chinese loves to drink and gamble. I drink... but I never gamble. Horses are just a hobby). I have challenge these people to prove their words and sought judgement. None dared to take up my offer, even though I am one against many (how I love the fucking odds!)

I have gone through much pain, not because these fools do not have the courage to challenge me face-to-face, but because I see the pain you go through with each flag of victory I plant on a tombstone. I hurt much more than you do when I defend myself, taking away the pride of these insignificant people, because regardless how insignificant they are to me, they are your family. I do hate myself sometimes for being such a prick. I know i am. To say that I only attack when provoked is as true as an ant taking a dump on the toilet bowl. We all know that I am aggressive and as asshole who do not respect age, unless it is accompanied by wisdom of choice.

I lay my heart in front of you, to scrutinise. I offer it willing with no conditions nor expectations. I trust you my life even though many of the decision you had, and will unknowingly make, may not be in my best interest. Between us, there is no need for talk of forgiveness. You do what you do because it is what you do best. Being the person you are. Never change yourself. I want you to be as "lay-pak" as you are. I love you. I swear to almighty Allah. I will die for you. But I know that dying is easy. It's bearing with the situations that thrown to me that sometimes makes me beg for delivery.

Oh Allah, bless me that I will have the strength and determination to support Su all the way in this relationship. I am begging you for patience. And I sincerely sincerely sincerely beg that You do not send and idiot to test me (it always happen when I ask You for this virtue... I almost always never pass Your test. So this time, please be easy on me all right?!). Bless all of us to make the right decisions in life and love. For You are life & love... right? Amin.

jahwsl
1248
07 Oct 06'