Date

She sometimes forget that I’m a convert. That for 32 years of my life, I’ve been accustomed to another way of life. Food, drink, the way I pray, the things I believe or don’t believe. Somehow or other, that seems to have gone out the window.

I drank last night. A supplier was in town, and with all things, we went out for dinner and a little entertainment. What’s wrong with having a glass of beer? What’s wrong? This is someone who downs nothing but whiskey and brandy by the bottle.

I’m beginning to get easily frustrated. Work stress? Maybe. Expectations are getting a little higher. Work volume has gone up. It’s sometimes hard to keep my sanity. Which explains why I often go for breaks. I need those breaks to calm myself down, to calm others down, to focus on providing solutions and to ensure that all 3 machines do not break down because of the materials that I approve for use. It’s crazy, especially when they’re running the speed that we run.

I’m tired. I’ve not done any of my prayers less for Subhr. It’s really disappointing not to know whether today’s the day for the change of the Islamic calendar or tomorrow. We had plans to go to JB today for the fit, but she then told me she heard that another mosque something, something, something… which I am not particularly interested in.

We’re all leaders, like it or not. Lead yourself, and lead yourself well. I expected her to lead me in knowing the actual times of prayers. Nothing. No news, nothing at all. Am I to lead my family without knowing a damm thing? Honestly, I am tired of everything. Or maybe I am just tired. Whatever it is, I know for a fact that I’ll not be trying to be good or nice tonight. That’s a confirmed.

I try give her everything she wants. But when these things happen, how can I not be disappointed? To be angry is all right. To be disappointed is when I don’t say anything. It means I don’t care anymore. You can do whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t involve me.

Why should I? Haven’t I already tried my best? Tired and all but I still go for classes. So why can’t I have the same respect and have it such that information that I may not have the accessibility to be given to me. Where is the difficulty in that?

All I ask is for some consideration, to tell me what I should know and to tell me what she thinks I should know but do not. Is it too hard? I don’t think so. She seems to have forgotten the reason why I convert in the first place. Nevermind, neither do I.

I’m not going to ask about the fit for the wedding dress anymore. Not going to bother about when we do the photo shoot or if we will do it anymore. Will not bother about a thing about the wedding prep. Will not participate in any activities relating to that. You want to have it easy and wait for me to plan without any input? I’ll do just that. At the end of the day, you’ll have to ask yourself if you’ve been fair. If you’ve not and you think I need to be cajoled and pacified, then you’re in for a huge surprise. I’ll not give in just because you think you’re not wrong or just because you think that it’s a miscom and that I should not react this way.

For your good order, I don’t care about what’s what. As long as I know that I’ve been inconvenienced by n fault of mine, and I’ve been misled. I hate missing important days of prayers. And it’s because I was not told that it was an important day of prayers to be asking for supplications that I am angry. In the afternoon, she texted me to say that she’s at Gombak MRT station. I was still in the mill. There was no confirmation. I said I was busy and all but yet she went there. At 6pm, she texted me that Ashr and the following prayer times can ask for gifts of special needs, whatever they are. Weird.. I didn’t do those prayers. And I didn’t know what to ask for.

Nothing was learnt from the lessons of Ramadan. Nothing at all. Yet, there is a constant want to improve. Nope, the want does not exist. It’s merely lip service. So, if no one chooses to lead, I will. I will lead in whatever way I see fit. Currently, I see no need to pray 5 times a day. I see no need for classes. I see no need for anything Islamic. The very person who needs to lead by example is unwilling. Therefore, no army can fight without a leader, be it a good or bad one.

Good leader and keeper of the house you are… only in my dreams.

Jahwsl
1840
19 Jan 07’