As sure as burbur

God's worst creation is a man who is uncomfortable in his own skin. Undoubtedly, this holds true for many of the people I know. It is easy to blame things, people, situations and of course - God Himself. For what you can't see... you can blame. There's no direct reprecussion for blaming God too, I think. There's this thing called Karma. I subscribe to it. And what goes around, comes around.
One thing that shapes most of us is the environment that we were put in or, choose to be in, iin order to create our own identity. Where this may seem relatively simple, it is not wrong. The fact that many of us choose to live simply does not mean a god damm thing. It's all about choices, and respecting those choices. Your's, or anyone elses. It's easier to respect other's choices. Not so to respect the decisions that you make all the time (refer to my first line). Never be uncomfortable in your own skin. Never regret the decisions you made. Life is complicated enough. We do not need to further complicate it.

Personally, at a young age, I knew that I needed to get out of the hell hole that was given to me. I do not have the ability to choose my parents, but I do have the ability to choose the life that I want to live. I do not want to be "regular". It didn't matter to me that I drove and fully paid for a luxury car when I was 29. Or the fact that since that age, I've not been working... I mean as a salaryman. I live a simple lifestyle, and still do. Golfing, as many people would soon realise, is not a rich man's game. There are more to life than being materialistically affluent. I do not have a wide social circle. But I am surrounded by people who care. People who would take the time to make me feel better.

Suraya, the times we communicated before we met, you were already a friend to me. And I am glad that we started off that way. True to your self, you continue to pick me up when I feel down. I am sorry for losing my temper as often as I do. I am sorry for the many things that I have done that you dislike. For this, I am grateful for you sticking by my side. You have adapted well to the speed that I work, regardless in my work or in our relationship. Do you still remembere what I told you the first time I went to you house, to seek and inform your mother that I was interested to see more of you. I wished then that I had a video cam. Both of you looked as though you wanted to hide under the table:

I don't believe in courtship,
It's a waste of time,
But for you I'll make an exception,
Just tell me you love me now,
And I'll court you forever,
But then again,
Why only till forvever,
Forever's too short,
I'll love you... even after forever...

Remind me should I not stick to that. A relationship with you should not stop once we're together. Till today, I still get the tiggly feeling every time I hold you hand, or kiss your forehead... I want this to last... the hell with what people say. I may be Chinese, but I do not gamble nor do I drink excessively (anymore anyway). Till today, I place my sincereity to you on a plate. Whether you accept does not matter. The fact remains that no one has ever dared told me off the way you do... and get away with you. You humble me more in the few months that I know you than I ever have been in my years of living. You are my queen (or rather princess).

Shashi, you are one true friend. I have known you for a good 13 years. Never once did we lose our temper between each other. We get irritated and we throw tantrums, but we know that it goes deeper than that. You have seen me at my worst, and you were there at my peak. Never once did you see me differently. You have invited me for all the most important events in your life, your marriage, the birth of your beautiful daughter, her birthday... and all family events. For the benefit of all of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting this guy... lemme share with you a typical conversation when I am away or about to fly off somewhere:

Shashi - "Bro... what you doing on *this date"
Me - "Well, I'll be in Medan. What's up?"
Shashi - "Like that ah.. My wedding lah.."
Me - "Ok, I'll be back for that day then. Just tell me when it is."
Shashi - "No lah... it's all right. Another day we'll catch up (sniggering)"
Me - "Dude, Don't worry, I'll be back. Would not miss it for the world"
Shashi - "Ok... bring as much liquor as you can then. Remember ah. If you forget the liquor, you can forget about coming. My father told me to tell you that."

Me - "KNN. Bloody Indian."

You are closer to me than my own blood. And never for a day did I not take you as one. I pray that our friendship will extend to our children as well, and well beyond that. For, no one has taken me in for the person that I am apart from you and your loving parents. For that, a man can ask no more. Jesus once said, "The greatest gift a man can give to his friend, is his life". I pray that day would not come. But if it does, you know I'll take one for you dude. We talked about this.

Why the hell am I saying this? Beats me. But I can say something that I do not say often. I have made an error in judgement. In most cases, I am usually correct about sizing up a person the first time I meet him/her/them. There is this one time I was wrong. And well.. I guess I pay for it with my shame. For who the fuck made me God and Judge and Jury? Ahem... someone slap me please...

For the sake of narration, I shall say this as fast and as simply as I can (good luck to me):

Fauziah, most people do not give you the credit that you deserve for the person that you are. Your intentions are always good and geniune to begin with. Neither evil nor ill-will lies within you. Sardonisticallly, you too, are misunderstood most of the time because of this. Probably because you give the impression of indifference and "aloofness". Your speech and bodily actions probably amplifies it too. Somehow, the word "Misunderstood " does not do justice anymore.

In the short time that I have known (or not known) you, you have made me eat my words over and over. May or may not be a good thing, depending on how you look at it. But I am, and would always be, grateful for your invite to breakfast the previous week. For the hurt that I have caused you, I am ashamed to even sit with you on the same table (now you know why I didn't speak so much). It would be ungracious of me to turn you down despite the fact that I initially did want to.

Simply, your strength does not lie in your ability to produce great television series (is it what it's called? - I can do better lah! If only you teach me...), nor does it lie in the capacity for drinking large amounts of coke (now diet coke I see...), nor the effortless skill to produce a killer salad. It is your ability to forgive. Not only those around you, but more importantly, yourself. It goes to show that a man (or wo-man) need not go to the battlefield to prove valour. Valour comes from within. And with valour comes courage. And with courage, heroism. I salaute you for your courage & heroism. I salute you for your ability to move on. And more importantly, I admire your courage and heroism to forgive. We are all proud of you. And here, I ask for your forgiveness. It is long overdue.

Shakespeare once said: "All good intentions lead to hell". Unfortunately, I find it so true. My experiences from his works tells me he has the uncanny ability to see through the human mind and soul. After all, Men were all created equal. What happens the second after that, becomes different.

Allow me to share with you something:

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated don't give way to hating; and yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream and not make dreams your masters; if you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make traps for fools; or watch the things you gave your life to, broken; and stoop and build' em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch-and toss and lose, and start again your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after your gone and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue, or walk with kings--not loose the common touch; if neither foes nor friends can hurt you, if all men count on you, but once too much;

If you fill the unforgiving minute with sixties seconds' worth of distance run, yours is the earth and everything that's in it, and--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

~Ruyard Kipling (1865-1936)

For you all, and more, I praise you. For I have not been as greatly humbled as I am today. Despite the very busy schedule I spend, day-in, day-out, locked in my room, never have I forgotten the faces of the people I mention, and more, since my return here have been so evident.

Allah, I praise and bless You for the wonderful people you have placed in my life. Bless them all. Amin

My short prayer today? I need not say much. He knows what I wanna say. And I'm sure as the next day's menu in Ba'alwi that there's gonna be BurBur again that He agrees with me. Wasalam all.

jahwsl
02 Oct 06'