Sight
every single girl i've dated calls me a spolit brat. i always had pretty much my way. however, none of them ever realise how hard it is for me to end up where i am. and how hard i fight for the things that i really want. i may not need them, but some of them... i just want to have.
growing up in an improvished environment, and worst still, being the 2nd boy in the family didn't do much for my development. unlike the first born, everything was hand me downs. my brother never had to ask for anything. they were given to him whether he liked them or not. it was very much different for me. i had to fight for what i wanted and needed. naturally, i felt the whole world hated me, untill i was in my early teens - 14. i then decided that i deserved much more than what was given to me.
my dad taught me something that i would bring along for the rest of my life: what you cannot learn from home, you learn outside. that got me going. Alhamdulilah, i am still alive.
meeting su was very much a different experience for me. she got all the pampering from day 1. and contarary to what many would think, she's more spoilt than me. it was evident in the beginning of our courtship. she somehow knew she never had to say anything and i would've gotten it for her. that is how i am when i am truly in love. no words need uttering. no gestures need to be punted.
it's so different from what i am used to and the best (or worst) part is i do not see it myself. it's just a natural reflex. i never had to pacify anyone. never had to please their family (they usually see the need to please me) and all the things that come in a relationship.
su would never fight for me. till today. she expects me to give in. is this what love is? maybe. cos i'm still giving in regardless how i feel today. fasting today didn't help one bit in controlling my temper. like i said, she never saw the need to fight for me.
there's a couple of girls whom i know are interested in me. causually mentioned it to her and she told me to be weary. weary of what? i'm happy with the attention i'm finally getting, albeit with different people. but the fact remains. i do get attention. i never get this from her. slight touches on the hands, arms over my shoulders. you can call this temptation, but it felt good to be shown some interest in. i like it when my position at work allows me to make decisions and make it a protocol in the plant. this is what power's all about. or so it seems.
su never could understand why i spend 60 hour weeks. why people call me at all times of the day and eventually requests i make my presence availiable at the plant where i play a supporting role to the techincians. 100% of the times, all they need is someone who will take the decision to accept, reject or push for a material to be used. but heck, i may be playing it up myself.
i've been very difficult on her. i know. i'm pushing her further than she ever knew her limits. this is a good thing. she does not like to be pushed. she wants to do things at her own pace, not sensing the need or urgency for things to be done. i've forced that down her throat with indications that if she does perform a task, i would leave. she calls this threats and ultimatums. i call this reality. there will only be so much that i would take. there's only so much leeway i would allow. she's crossed the border of patience and know she must learn, be it the hard way or otherwise. that's my test for her.
i am a good person. yup, a little arrogant but i exude confidence. this i know. and this is the scent that attracts. my killer instincts are sharp as i grin my blade daily. my blow is swift and i aim to destroy all with one swing. that is the hunter in me. and i never had to hunt for a mate.
you do not know how lucky you are to be able to manipulate me, to make me give in to you all the time. you have gotten me and you've taken me for granted. you cry when i give you datelines. you breakdown when i speak of breaking up. you do nothing for this relationship but expect me to give in all the time.
i will see how far you will go with your promises.
jahwsl
28th Jan 07'
2107
growing up in an improvished environment, and worst still, being the 2nd boy in the family didn't do much for my development. unlike the first born, everything was hand me downs. my brother never had to ask for anything. they were given to him whether he liked them or not. it was very much different for me. i had to fight for what i wanted and needed. naturally, i felt the whole world hated me, untill i was in my early teens - 14. i then decided that i deserved much more than what was given to me.
my dad taught me something that i would bring along for the rest of my life: what you cannot learn from home, you learn outside. that got me going. Alhamdulilah, i am still alive.
meeting su was very much a different experience for me. she got all the pampering from day 1. and contarary to what many would think, she's more spoilt than me. it was evident in the beginning of our courtship. she somehow knew she never had to say anything and i would've gotten it for her. that is how i am when i am truly in love. no words need uttering. no gestures need to be punted.
it's so different from what i am used to and the best (or worst) part is i do not see it myself. it's just a natural reflex. i never had to pacify anyone. never had to please their family (they usually see the need to please me) and all the things that come in a relationship.
su would never fight for me. till today. she expects me to give in. is this what love is? maybe. cos i'm still giving in regardless how i feel today. fasting today didn't help one bit in controlling my temper. like i said, she never saw the need to fight for me.
there's a couple of girls whom i know are interested in me. causually mentioned it to her and she told me to be weary. weary of what? i'm happy with the attention i'm finally getting, albeit with different people. but the fact remains. i do get attention. i never get this from her. slight touches on the hands, arms over my shoulders. you can call this temptation, but it felt good to be shown some interest in. i like it when my position at work allows me to make decisions and make it a protocol in the plant. this is what power's all about. or so it seems.
su never could understand why i spend 60 hour weeks. why people call me at all times of the day and eventually requests i make my presence availiable at the plant where i play a supporting role to the techincians. 100% of the times, all they need is someone who will take the decision to accept, reject or push for a material to be used. but heck, i may be playing it up myself.
i've been very difficult on her. i know. i'm pushing her further than she ever knew her limits. this is a good thing. she does not like to be pushed. she wants to do things at her own pace, not sensing the need or urgency for things to be done. i've forced that down her throat with indications that if she does perform a task, i would leave. she calls this threats and ultimatums. i call this reality. there will only be so much that i would take. there's only so much leeway i would allow. she's crossed the border of patience and know she must learn, be it the hard way or otherwise. that's my test for her.
i am a good person. yup, a little arrogant but i exude confidence. this i know. and this is the scent that attracts. my killer instincts are sharp as i grin my blade daily. my blow is swift and i aim to destroy all with one swing. that is the hunter in me. and i never had to hunt for a mate.
you do not know how lucky you are to be able to manipulate me, to make me give in to you all the time. you have gotten me and you've taken me for granted. you cry when i give you datelines. you breakdown when i speak of breaking up. you do nothing for this relationship but expect me to give in all the time.
i will see how far you will go with your promises.
jahwsl
28th Jan 07'
2107
posted by Jeremy Amir Hamzah Wong Sheh Liang | 8:28 pm
1 Comments:
There are certain things you only see them your way. To you, she doesn't give in and can't meet your deadlines. However, have you ever wondered if such tests are really that good for her though they worked for you? Nobody has the same life and nobody needs the same tests. It's really compromise in a relationship and nobody is perfect. Su loves you but that doesn't mean she will and must show her love for you the same way you show yours to her. Are you pushing her to her limits and pushing your patience to the limits too? Can't you ever understand that certain habits don't go away just like that? We've all lived for about 30 years with the same practices and expecting one to change in just a year or two is almost impossible. A lot of patience and prayers are needed. Sometimes, for a couple, the habits of one grows on another due to the influence and daily interaction with each other. You may have things forced down your throat many times due to the life you had before and that we can understand. However, compromise and giving and taking are what are most important in a relationship...not forcing. Do you actually want this relationship? Su is willing to take you as you are, but are you ready to do that? Yes, you may have treated her well. She appreciates them very much, but probably not so good at expressing them to you, since you are her first. You love her for what she is or what you want her to be? Nobody is perfect and nobody is ideal.....
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