23 out of 30

23 days out of 30 days. That's how well (or badly) I did during this fasting month. I've always come to think about it as a bad performance, after all, most of the few new converts I meet managed to hold their own. Then I met people who didn't fast the full month. Me better? Maybe, maybe not.

It's no secret that Su has high expecations of me. I did surprise her with many things. Mostly in the way I handle a business that I hardly know about, with reasonable results. And in the relationship... sometimes. Maybe the impression that I give is one of determination. Well... it is true I only do what I like to do, or if the negativity in a task is strong enough to pull me. I do go for challenges. Hard ones. I love it when the odds are against me. Fun. I seek fun in everything that I do.

But fasting... let's see. I can think of and use (and I have used them) of the common excuses for a new convert. Not mentally, physically and emotionally prepared. Too much stress. Not used to it. Body craves for sugar, caffine and nicotine to be able to keep my cool and temper and make good decisions. I've used all these and more. Bad muslim? Maybe. Maybe not. Human? Definately.

The process of thought I use in the business I carry out and religion are somewhat different. Ok, very different. Logic, data, trends for forecasting models... these are the tools I use for work. Then what do I use for religion? Data? Trends? Suppor models? DA has none of these. All "Cakap banyak banyak, kerja sedikit sedikit". Nothing useful. DA has made themselves an easy target for me. Not particulary proud, but heck, they asked for it. I am not looking to create trouble. But the very fact that a convert's association does not keep credible records or conduct time sensitive studies leaves question to their mission. To educate converts? To re-educate born-muslims (refresher courses)? Well... the statistics are... ? It's anyone's guess.

I had a "Shooting Shit" session with Fauz yesterday. I like talking to Fauz. Sometimes, this woman will hit me with a question I don't see coming. Yesterday's was about scolding (not receiving, but giving it). She asked me how I felt. Well... I never feel good about having to scold anyone. It look doubtful, but I swear it's the truth! Whether it's workers, a stranger, or a jerk in the mosque, I've never felt good when these sort of things happen. For example, I've always given many of the people whom work with or for me the freedom. If an undesired result occurs that costs time/money/resources, I am usually all right with it, as long as there is a reasonable explaination. If there is, I'll offer my RM 2 Sens worth, or if it happens because of market conditions, I'll applaud the action, becuase they have the interest of the company at hand. And I really appreciate that. It's called loyalty (in a minute sense maybe, but that's how I slice it).

Granted, there are sometimes when carelessness results because of fatigue or having too many tasks to perform, I'll back off and usually take somethings off their plates. No one can fault anyone for trying, and trying hard. I am usually hard on those who perform work haphazardly. I hate to be taken for granted. The purpose of creating a business is to generate lots of money. Not the way I see it. Of course any operation has to be profitable. But the bigger picture is to create jobs, oppurtunity. If uncalculated risks or careless mistakes occur due to a attitude less than fucked-up, then I've not qualms about asking them to leave. I give leeway, but usually, I can read a person better than most people and I recognise the need to amputate these inflitrations into my classes.

Ok, strayed again.

I never feel good being the aggressor in an arguement. I am loud. I am forceful. I never give in. I take up the challenge head on. But to strip a person of his sense of pride (I aruge to win) does nothing to me. There are probably a million who piss me off everyday. The person who formulates policys in the White House in Afganistan, the girl/guy who takes their time to alight from buses, the inconsiderate minahs who blow smoke in a non-smoking table... I choose to hold my piece for the better good. Actually, I know that there'll be people who tell them off worse than me. If not, these cock sucking whores have nothing to do with me. I'll just ignore them or move away. But for things that are directed to me, or that have a direct impact on me, I'll speak and act my mind. It's funny. When I remain quiet, these people think the world of themselves. But when I open my mouth... sigh... You can push me. No problem. But don't cry to me when I push you back. Having said that, I know how it can feel to be scolded by me. I am not perfect. And there were times (even till now), I have been told off for no apparent reason and without provocation.

I have never felt good dishing a scolding. I prefer to live in a peaceful world. I prefer to smile and joke and get along with everyone I meet. And I dare say that most people are like myself. Therefore, it is important to move on whenever such unpleasant encounters occur.

Thanks for injecting this thought into my mind Sister.

Dear Allah, thank You for the many blessing You've shown to me. Truly, I cannot be far from Your Kingdom right (Just kidding)? Grant me the strength to be the warrior that You have chosen for me to be. Grant me the wisdom to love my enemies (I have nonne by the way Sir) and to educate whoever it is. Grant me patience for everything (please, please do not send irritating people across my path. Somehow, Your divine will would send these people to test me. Just give me an average grade for this... I'm really all rigt with it! I don't need to score high on this test!).


Bless Su & I, and all lovers who want to be together and form a family in Your Name. I ask you bless each and everyone of us, especially Pak Ali (for being the kind and encouraging person that he is), Fauz (for the great thoughts that flow through her mind), Safie (for the advices that he gives - may not sound wise initially - probably because of the damm arrogant way he speaks, but rings a note after some thought. To Shashi (who still inists I can play the guitar and Scorpion is my favourite boy band). To the nice old Imam in Masjib Kampung Siglap who collected my zakat today (he's a nice chap). And to everyone reading this blog and those who want to read it. And more than anything, bless those who blaspheme you. Show them Your Mercy. Forgive them. If my ticket to Your Kingdom has to be sacrificed for them, so be it. Thy Will be done, not mine. Grant me courage then (upsize me!). Amin.

jahwsl
0120
23 Oct 06'