99 bottles of beer on the wall.. give me brandy anytime

I used to drink. Excessive to some. Ridiculous to others. Can't help it I say. And it's weird. My liver started to show signs of wear, possibly from processing the liqour (I always take my liqour neat) I've chosen to intoxicate it with. Well, I do get drunk. But I would like to think I hold my liqour better than most people. The closest I came to drinking was last Thursday evening & Friday morning. A can of Calsberg on each occasion.

I had a tel-con with Ustad Yusri this morning. A nice gentleman. He suggested I see him next week. But the feelings inside me were already confusing enough. I could not hold them. I needed to speak to someone. Someone who has a louder voice than me (not louder decible, but loud - authority). The people so far suggested to me are wips and knick knacks. Know nothing, but act as though they do. The worst blow is being held out on the truth. Someone suggested I speak to a person who had a girlfriend who converted. But the truth is, she did not convert. She tired, and he tried to help her, but they couldn't make it. Now tell me this. You either convert, or you are not. Simple. No matter how you slice it. I take things with ALOT of salt now. I cannot even trust me friends to tell me the truth.

Anyway, I am glad for speaking to Yusri. Younger than me, no doubt, but patient. The difference between him and other ass wipes? He does not force things down my throat. I've come across many people who outwardly may look nice and kind and possibly pleasant to speak to. The moment they open their mouths, it's all opinionated speeches replayed over and over and over. I don't need this. No wonder converts convert for the sake of converting... to get married. They don't give two fucks after that. Pray? Ya... right.. I've got better things to do than kiss a mat five times a day.

I absorbed much of the things he said. But the thing that caught my attention the most was this: "Speaking to a born muslim and speaking to a convert cannot be the same". I did not catch the reasoning that followed, because the earlier words struck me deep and hard. I do not normally disassociate myself with born muslims. I just sometimes do not want to participate in their religious conversations. Shooting the shit is fine. Nothing else is.

I want to be a good person, this is no lie. Be it a muslim or pagean. Following the laws as laid out by Abraham and Mohammad is fine either way too. Forcing it down my throat like a ton of breaks will derieve 2 things:
1) my indifference;
2) the definate curse of your mother/family/neighbour.

I do not take to hard instruction well. If there is a protocol, then there is a protocol. For every doctrinated procedure, there must be a reason behind it, regardless of how small is it (there is no such word as ir-regardless for your info). To take the time to explain it to me would be a wonderful thing that anyone can do for me. To force it down my throat would derive reactions (1) & (2) of the above, resulting in the opposite extreme of my gratefulness.

He kindly suggested I speak to close friends... people who would take the time to listen to me. Fact I: I do not have many friends. Fact II: I do not have many muslim friends. Fact III: My muslim friends do not have the virtue of listening. They think they are god's gift to me. Unfortunately brothers, at best... you can only be aqquaintances. X is different though. Much different. But as I've mentioned, he is knowledegable... to get away with things that probably do not matter. And as nice a person he is, I only go to him for knoweldge-based questions, not the emotions or feelings that I go through. So where does that leave me? Pathetic.

I have until the end of Friday to decide my final decision. I have given allowances for that. I have also made the first move to seek help to qualm the insecurities within myself. For that, I feel better... for a bit. Nothing hurts me more than having a person smoke me all along about what is and what isn't. I have no patience for that.

Ture to the fact, no one forced me to convert. True to the fact even more so I did it willingly. What peeves me is also the fact that extended hands become withdrawn the moment I take up their offer for solace. Shame on you. How dare you openly speak with self-proselytising attitides only to give excuses for your inability and incompetance to support me, a person you call brother.

Then again, Yusri did relate something to me. And I would probablly keep this in my little diary. I did not agree, nor disagree with him for that matter. I simply understood. If I were to be judged on my outlook, there are 2 extreme categories that I would fall in to. No prizes for guessing that they are. Likewise, I am moderate and I am simple. All I ask is to be treated with the ounce of respect that you you accede anyone on the street. Nothing more, nothing less. I seem to be feeding egos when people come to know that I am a mualaf. Dudes... you guys are in for a rude awakening...

Conan the Barbarian said: "Things that do not kill you, will make you strong". I am coming out stronger in this. I have great respect for people who have shown me the truth. But as I have mentioned, there are people in this world whom I would not lift a finger to help. For those who choose to extend their worldy knowledge, I am grateful. I am also weary. How can someone who is not well-read, well-travelled, reasonably educated teach me something I do not possibly know in all my years of living and travelling overseas? I respect wise men. I frown at men who think they are wise. And I will mow them down. Stronger... yup... I think so...

My neighbour is a nice guy... with four kids... all very well-mannered and polite. Funny thing is... among all the people I know.. he is the most encouraging. Weird. And the best part... he doesn't even know my name. We call each other "Bro", "Babe".. you know. Funny how I find sense in the places I'd least expect it. The closest people to me, at best, I feel (I may be wrong) pay me lip service. No one can fully understand what I go through. If they did, they'd not be judgemental. They are nice people. But topics of religion is totally different.

If there is one short-coming in my life, it is the fact that I do not see the desire to make many friends or engage in a wide social circle. My social circle is wide, but only in the industry sense of the word. My deep friendships are made with men twice my age, and more often than not, their children are much much older than me.

Pak Tjung passed away early this year. I miss him badly. He was close to 90. And he had lived a good life. We nearly went into a JV... He passed away before that. And I did not know his brother-in-law too well to follow through with the proceedings. He is old too. And he being the richest man in Tahiti and in Bogor, I would not totally own all the assests. I really miss him for the knowledge he shared with me. He is a good man. And he is someone who would go straight to heaven, passing "Go" and collecting his $200. I remember a singing flower I couried to him when he was in poor health, nearer to Christmas last year. His grand daughter from US liked it so much that she took it home with her to the states. And he called me to tell me about it. For a millionare, he is one simple person. No big cars, no big house. Lives simply and alone.

Anyway, I have clarified with Yusri on many aspects. I regret believing the nonsense that people tell me. I have been fooled by insolance. Then again, the one eyed jack is king in the land of the blind... The quest now remains for me to seek the truth. Nothing else matters. Nothing. And I ask for peace within myself. And I seek the wisdom not to trust anyone without authority. Bless me in this. And throw all those ignorant proselytising fools into hell.

jahwsl
03 Oct 06'