The One Eyed Jack Is King in the Land of the Blind

Ghost Wars by Steve Coll has been the only literature I've been reading for the past month. With 600 pages in font 7 or 8, it proves challenging to my eyesight no doubt. It really is about events leading to September 11 from the early 1970s, mostly on Osama and his merry gang (actually, Osama, from these recollections of interviews from heads of the intelligence agencies from US, Pakistan, India and some from the Taliba, deserves more credit for his intellect than what most people give him), the struggle of the Northen Alliance, the involvement of the Saudi government and possibly Pakistan from de-classified information from the CIA.

This is one of the few books which do hold my attention (so much so I was prepared to pay $0.50 to NLB to extend this book). Serious and in-depth interviews from heads of agencies and various independant states gives Tom Clancy a run for his money. The only thing is, Tom Clancy's work is somewhat fiction (for eg, you do not send in a crack commando team to eliminate a target you without knowing the full battle conditions. For every uncertainty, your military presence builds up, to justify these unknowns). Political as well as situational of individual charaters mentioned in his book, this read does not simply place me as a third party. It involves me interactively. I am able to better train my mind to develop bigger concepts and possibly, help me see the bigger picture in my life.

Osama was the 17th son of a Saudi Billionare who made his fortune in construction. Being wealthy as he is, he was given an annuity of US$1 million a year as an allowance (of course he didn't really need the money... he had his own construction business, building super highways for the Saudi governnment at one time. He also owned cotten and salt farms in Kandahar).

With most of his siblings opting for further studies overseas in Ivy league universities, our friend opted to study in a local university where he surrounded himself with holy men and teachers of the faith. I cannot say much about his motivation to do the things that he had done, but he did have a strong focus on what he wanted. And true to many reports, he was a gentlemanly figure. He did not lose his temper, neither did he punish his subordinates. There was one incident when one of his men stole from him. The fate of the man was worse than having his hand chopped off. He was given a lecture by Os himself, and then made to pay back what he took in installments. How then, can such a person, with supposed patience and grace, design what was to be history's darkest day? I have no fucking idea. And do not listen to the ah peks in the coffee shops. They still think that planes are being flown with a 4 man crew and stewardesses are loose woman.

I may not be as ambitious as Osama in effecting his New World Order. I do not have them at all (if the CIA is reading this, I am a humble man striving to make a living - If I have billions, they are better spent on humanitarian projects). But was he misunderstood? His mother loved him. He had no big squabbles with his family. Well, it was only when he was expelled from by the Saudi government to live in exile when they spoke out against him. But by and large, he was not popular. he just did his thing and kept a low profile.

I sometimes think, as a muslim, do I have high expectations? Am I going in that direction? My registrar told me that one of his students, a chinese convert was place under the terrorist act and jailed. I had no interest in the subject because I am not of weak mind. My need for knowledge surpasses the discouraging things that people try to tell me.

As an infant muslim, I recognise that I need to learn more. To understand... maybe. But how can I understand if I do not have the knowledge? Contarary to what many people may say, I am not closed to learning. Instead, I embrace learning. And I try not to limit myself to learning about things that interest me along. I read literature on subjects that are dry enough to put me to sleep on the first page. Sometimes I do give up. Sometimes I don't. And the times when I don't, I find myself richer. There would be many occasions that I would not even use the information that I've read, but it's a sadistical madness that I have learnt something new that drives me to pick up on matters that normally, Singaporeans do not bother about.

The conflict in Africa, Somalia, Rwanda, Cuba, Russia... I can see the stage clearly from when I stand, peering into the book. It teaches me a wealth on how culture and religion affects even the most simplest of subjects.

Unfortunately, my journey as a muslim is not becoming. I do read, I would like to think that I read more than most of my fellow converts about the religion itself. But honestly, I have no interest in the religious books I read. I read it because someone close tells me it would be good for me to know. I tried arguing that I have a whole lifetime to learn about the religion. I gave in. Now, I just stop reading. I stop wanting to learn more. If i feel the presence of Allah.. then I feel the presence of Allah. Else, it doesn't affect me one way or the other. I have lost the desire.

Many people say that I am a new born to this faith and that I should take things slow. Then why is it that I have a timetable to follow? That I am expected to know certain things as soon as I can? I cannot be bothered to attend classes. My malay language is not that good. I can make conversation, but that is as far as it goes. But here I am, being given books on the religion. How do I say that I am not interested? Stepping out of my comfort zone itself was a big deal for me. I am still not totally out of it. What more this fasting month? The thought of renouncing this religion plays in my head every single day, one week prelude to the fasting month. I am expected to fast. If I fail for a day, I am expected to "pay" the day back. I do not respond to threats well. I would like to think that I manage threats well - I do not give in. Like I said, I handle the truth well. And my reality is that I do not do what I do not want to do. If I do it, I am giving it a chance, a try. People do take me for granted in that sense. Just because I try to please. But many people do not realise that I have a stubborn streak in me either.

In reality, these days have been the darkest of my life. I am holding on to this religion because of the person I love. I do not feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to recite the holy book. I do not even feel an urgency to get along with my future in-laws. They're blood-sucking cowards anyway. The fact is, I do feel alone. No matter how people may tell me I am not. No matter how people tell me to take my time, I am still not allowed to fail. I am not allowed to address my own personal issues because there is simply no provision to. And I never give excueses.

I do not doubt that muslims are one of the better breed of people to be with. I even told my agent that if he wants my business, he will have to find me a muslim/malay neighbour. But the matter in which this has been handled has disappointed me. It is all right to make me angry. I would still listen and I would sometimes relent, afterall... I am one of the most reasonable person I know. But when I get disappointed, I'll not say anything. And once I remain quiet, I usually never come out. Disappointment stems from rejection. And constant rejections simply reinforces indifferences. Promises said were never closely met nor delivered. Gestures extended were withdrawn back.

I'll be honest. I do not need to know much about the religion. I just need someone to speak to. Not to someone to teach me. I can teach myself. It's not about that. It's the real frustration that I am going through. I have fasted for 5 out of 9 days. Still, it is not enough. It is never enough...The feelings that are going into my head and heart. Somehow, with the efforts that I made, there isn't such a person here at all that wants to know how I am feeling. Everyone wants to throw a doctine or protocol in my face and expect me to take it as gospel. No one seems to be interested in hearing from a mualaf. So be it.

Dear all, it has been nice to know you all as my brothers and sisters in the same faith. I have chosen to renounce. If you think it's a matter of me being childish and rash, I assure you that I have tried ways and means to combat this feeling. I am lost, but unlike lost sheep, I have needs. Those needs, for the longest time were not satisfied. Marlow's Level of Self-Actualisation, from his Hierachy of Needs was not met. The natural progression would be to go back to the previous level.

I blame no one. I hate no one. It is the thing to come. Never in my life have I felt so alone and unwanted. I do feel abandoned. I can relate this to giving the best of my ability to my commander, who in the end, leaves me for the enemy to take me prisoner. I never leave anyone behind. Dead or alive,we will all come home together. You have tested my loyalty. And therefore, you shall have none. I am tired of calling for help. I am weary of the trials that lay before me, placed in front of me by insignificant people. And it is the same people whom I am expected to respect. My dear friends, life is not about the number of breaths you take. It is about the number of breaths that take you away. My spirit is dead. It died long before I even started this battle. My body is simply a mechanical collection of joints, muscles and fluids that function in fulfilling the basic needs of sustainance.

Allah, this day may be the last day I call You by this name. I seek and pray my last prayer as a muslim for You to hold true to Your Promise. The Promise which You have given in Your Holy Book. guide Your followers to the Promised Land, and guide them well. They remain strong in their faith to You, as You to them. Else I'll fucking kick your ass! Amin.

jahwsl
03 Oct 06'