Can't believe I'm 32

Su loves those "fish muruku". Thought I'd get some for her. Eventually ended up with:
a bag of Mamee
a box of Cowhead biscuits (milk cream thingy)
a box of Lexus Peanut Butter biscuits

For me:
a box of Apollo Chocolate Cake
a pack of prawn crackers

Got them at CK department store @ Chinatown & Sheng Siong @ Haig Road. I love going grocery shopping. Well, I love to entertain, and I like to cook. More than anything, I've this thing about presentation. The eyes must be satisfied first before the stomach. Instant gratification... or abstinence, whichever way you look at it. But I only do so in Singapore though. Well, Thailand too, but I really only get toiletries there. I'll bring my great big empty Samsonite luggage and fill it with shower gel, hair dye, tooth pastes, shampoos, etc... One load can last me a year! I shit you not!

I hate being apart from Su, for whatever reason. It just feels shitty. I'm so used to having her around. But the biggest difference between us is that I've fewer than 5 friends here. She probably has 5 battalions.

Alhamdulilah, we both completed our fast today. But not before a small lil' fight (hor dear?). She was to have a gathering with her expedition friends, and it was kinda like a last minute thingy. So she suggetsed that we break fast together, then she go hang out with them. I blew my top. I fasted with her for 3 days (today being her last pay-back), and all she wanted to do was break fast with me then dump me for her friends?! Argh!!!

She was nice to cook dinner and pacify me. Sigh. I know I've gone overboard. I've become too "sticky". I've always encouraged her to have and be with her friends. With me included. But I also realise that that cannot happen everytime. So all I ask is give me some warning and I'll make some plans. Sigh... but even then, I really do miss her. What's wrong with me? It's not that I am in need of company all the time. But things have changed for me in a big way since I met her.

Before meeting Su, I've never saw the need to hang out. If I did, I'd done it by myself. I would go to the library, Starbucks, Cold Storage or Sheng Siong. I could spend hours by myself. Or like any other times, I would be in church, or just cleaning the house. I never saw the need to be in the company of humans. Afterall, since my days of travels, I've always been alone. I somehow prefer to speak to plants or animals. Non-judgemental and their affection's unconditional. But Alhhamdulilah, my social circle's getting wider.

From my outlook, one (or rather most of you who know or met me personally) would think that I have a large circle of friends. Well, yes and no. I've many friends in Indonesia, Malaysia andd Thailand. Not really much friends in Singapore. Probably because I've seen the difference between the people here and elsewhere. You could say that many of the people here are influenced by the quick pace of life here. Whereas, elsewhere, people do take their time to do almost everything.

But Alhamdulilah! I've met very nice people here too! Pak Ali, Rosli & Sheeren, Fauz, Pak Osman, Pak Joraimi, Safie, Pak Rahman, Mr. Cement Mixer Driver and alll those whom I forgot their names or forgot to give them nicknames (I call it picture association - associate the name with a picture aka nickname).

I don't know. I'm at a stage where I know what I want to be, but can't really see my social situation improving. It may also be that I would be turning 32 in a few hours. And each brithday, I would be depressed and spend time alone with myself. But this year, Alhamdulilah, I've Su & her mother to celebrate it with me. Alhamdulilah! Honestly, I'm not too excited about it. 32 and nothing happening for me. I do feel useless. I've achieved nothing in life. This is the time of the year where you take a checklist and see how you've fared throughout the year.

I've done nothing. Instead, it's everyone else who's done things to or for me. Sigh... I do feel useless now...

jahwsl
22 Nov 06'
1134

Dates

Many of you who know Su are probably wondering how on earth the both of us wound up together. Likewise, many of you who know me are probably asking the same thing too. For the better part, I've been not wanting to explain myself (thank you all for not asking - but your expressions are evident when you see the both of us together). Granted, both Su & I are very much different in personalities, mannerisms (I almost always make myself at home wherever I am), character and a whole lot more.

I first met Su online, via a dating site. I must admit, the picture she posted (can't seem to load it up though) caught my attention enough to send her a message (ok, personally I do feel that physical attraction is important. You must like what you see right?) She responded and although we did not hit it off well, Alhamdulilah, we are together now. I met her mother to formally inform that I was dating Su, and hat she should not be too worried if she comes home a lil' late, because in the most likely instance, she'll be with me. A few weeks later, I hinted marriage.

How could anyone not fall in love with this girl? All right, she'll probably fit ino what most Singaporeans would call a "Blur Sotong". She can be sometimes, especially when she's not interested in the activity at hand. But she tries. She would also be the kind of person where you would generally term as having "no direction". True to some aspects. But the thing I've realised is, what is deemed as acceptable to society as a norm, does not necessairly agree with her. That's why she's as care-free as they come. And I love her for it! She does not give in to pressure to conform (she's NEVER one to conform, unless it's something that she likes or politcally agree with), she's never afraid to be different. I am sure, for most of the people reading this who knows Su personally, what I've mentioned has only scratched the surface of this wonderfuly person. That's why she makes friends. Unlike me. I manage people.

I've been so blessed during the month of Ramadan. Even though the toughest challenge was during this time, the most blessed of moments that we shared was also during this period. The Terawehs, breaking of fast, meeting new friends, etc. Alhamdulilah, every step of the way, Su has always been in my sight. The only time that we did not meet was the first couple of days of Raya. Other than that, ever since the month of Ramadan, we've been inseperable! Alhamdulilah! I can never thank Him ever enough!

With her, I was exposed to many different perspectives on topics or subjects that I thought I knew well enough of. Her views can come accross as simplistic or non-sophisticated. But fact of the matter is, if you're daring enough to fish for more information, you'll be impressed as I was, about her views. Understanding her, as she would put it herself, would be trying to understand her lifestyle. She values religion, prayers and all things associated with the giving to society. And I am not talking about giving "back". Giving while not having gained, is a concept that was relatively new to me. In fact, I slowly grew to develop that insticnt as well, Alhamdulilah! Fardu Kifayah.

The change can often be noticed from my friends who've known me for years. Shashi, Ho, Jibson (Jibson, although not your typical philosopher, he is a pious person) could see a gradual change. Not measure in "good", "bad" or anything, but just a change. Alhamdulilah! I would love to think of it as a "good" change indeed. But I'll make it easy on myself and try not to evalulate my own standing. It's good enough I'm not cursing as much.

Su has been very much involved in my development as a muslim. Well, I did make the decision to convert suddenly. Her fear was not unfounded that I would be "shocked". I did take out some of my frustrations out on her, and others too. Insya Allah, I will be forgiven by Him and all those whom I've hurt along the way. I strive not to be the fool that I was, and still probably am.

She has been the only girl who've told me off when I get above-board. And I truly apppreciate her being vocal. I know that she's truly pissed at me when she scolds me because her tolerance is extremely high for me. Insya Allah, there would be not much raised voices or tears. I really hate to make her drip tears of disappointment for me. Insya Allah, I would be a better person, muslim, and husband to her.

I've also learnt that even with her work experiences overseas and her dealings with high-level decision makers, she remains her "child-like" qualities. She's never had to demand from me to satisfy her cravings for coffee, ice-cream or foods. I do need to be reminded, but I derieve so much joy from seeing her enjoy herself. I love watching her eat. It's so endearing that she's so shy to ask me to finish her food (she usually eats less than half a portion. Lucky me!). That's my job baby. No need to feel embaressed about it!

I love seeing her at the library. She has carried on this habit of reading since she was young to this day. Insya Allah, it'll continue. I most enjoy her asking me for a house as a dowry. Conventionally, it would be a token amount of a few grand. And I truly and sincerely loved her idea of me giving her a piece of property (Insya Allah, I will, and not stop at one). A safeguard for the future. Shows how much she values the family that we intend to form. Alhamdulilah!

Sometimes I would just want too dress her up in nice elagant clothes. I've seen her in dresses, heels and makeup. She looks so pretty. The last time that happened, she was dressing up for Sheila Majid. The rest of the times, it doesn't matter if her clothes are not color co-ordinated, as long as she is comfy, and well-covered. That's all that matters to her. And many times, I've to tell myself that her happiness is all that ever matters to me. Afterall, I don't even own a designer shirt (I do own a few designer pants though!). She just looks beautiful to me in whatever she wears! I love you Su!

I've an email from her since May this year. How can I not feel blessed after her touching words. Till today, I still read and re-read her mails. Alhamdulilah! Insya Allah, I will be the best person for her.

*******************************

salam sayang my dear

How's ur work been? I am preparing to go to CG now. wa
hahah late!!

anyways..just want to say something to u..

Jeremy Amir Hamzah Wong Sheh Liang ..

Wo Ai Ni!! hehehehe


being a girlfriend is a new experience for me. 

But do believe that whatever i do for you, I mean no
harm or ill intention. it is just me and my blur
ways.. hehehe...

Do forgive me for my unintended inconsideration
towards you.

Moreover, we have faced many challenges ahead.  I
appreciate all the challenges wehave faced together
because they allowed me to learn more about you. 

I hope you have learnt more about me and didnt
disappoint u that much.. hehehe

We can ride these low times together.. Insya Allah..
we will. They may not be the best of times, but my
love for you and Allah.. will be the most rewarding
for us...

Lihubullah...

Suraya 

*******************************

Insya Allah, we would form a family soon, based on a foundation of strong religion focus. Just like Rosli and Sheeren. They have sort of become a model for me to follow. Alhamdulilah! I managed to learn to recite the Tashawood Awal, and Insya Allah, more of the Surrahs as well as perform the prayer call. I badly wish for that to happen. I think that I may just need to add in the extra effort to memorise the words (romanised first), and acentuate my pronunciation, Insya Allah.

I love you. And I pray for strength that I would love to begin courting you once we are married, Insya Allah! Forgive me of may failures and short-comings dear. This is my first time being with someone special...

Loving you, even after forever...
because forever's too short...
Lihubullah

jahwsl
0143
22 Nov 06

Jumbo Flats are HUGE!

Alhamdulilah! What another wonderful day of fasting! Managed to complete it with His Blessings! Insya Allah, with the meetings and errands tomorrow, Su & I will complete yet another day of fasting! Alhamdulilah!

I had a pretty busy morning (by my standards, if I've an appointment, it means I'm busy!). Left the house after zohr for Mak Long's place. Just to have a look at how HUGE a jumbo flat is! For that price (market's doing about $330,000 - $370,000), it's a really great deal! Their place is well renovated and furnished! Even had a chance to hear Pak Long sing! Alhamdulilah! He's not lost his touch on the keyboard! Alhamdulilah! Had a short talk, then scooted off to Bukit Gombak to meet Su and speak to her dad. Alhamdulilah! He managed to clap his hand, and this time, he did it so loudly! Subahan Allah! What a guy! Was responded with a snuff from him when I asked if he wanted a hair-cut. He felt his hair and waved his hand violently at me! Asked if he wanted a shave, he felt the hair on his chin and never really answered me. How can I not love such a person who tries?! Alhmadulilah!

Broke fast at the banquet foodcourt beside DA. Today's special because it was Su's first time attending the regular 11 week BCI course! I was so worried she was so tired. She had to stand the whole time she was teaching today. Poor girl. We were supposed to speak on the phone (it's 0030 now) but I guess she's fast alseep. Insya Allah, she'll be well rested for her work day. I love her so so much! It's hard not to fall in love with her.

I am truly truly happy and aware of the blessings that I have from Him. Insya Allah, I will remain the level-headed and not be too quick on my temper. I love Him and I love all you who are faithful to my blog. Though for many of you, my contact has been short or new, I am grateful for the constant encouragement and support that you've given. Insya Allah, I will be same to everyone I meet.

I have so many non-muslim friends whom I want to share this blessings, to bring them to DA to show them that muslims are human too, and that from time to time, we do falter and we do go astray. Insya Allah, we will all be led to our Fitrah. Insya Allah! I pray for this to happen. And I beg that I become an effective instrument in this management. Insya Allah!

jahwsl
1235
22nd Nov 06