I Dedicate All MyTravels to Daddy

Everyone comforted me. I found out last night, after I got home, people were wondering why I was crying the whole of Sunday, from the time I collected his body from the hospital. But they did not dare ask me, not for fear, but for invading in my privacy.

Her dad's brothers made the experience pleasent. They hid their sorrow well with their jokes and laughter. They were sadder. Of course they were. And I was previlleged to see their tears where no one had in the moment 5 of us shared in the ritual of bathing Ya'akub.

Every time we met, at least one of them would tell me that they've accepted me into their family. Alhamdulilah! But till today, I feel in need of forgiveness from Ya'akub, for possibly not carrying his last wish to be carried by someone he knows or cares about. Astafrullah... Insya Allah, I will be forgiven.

It has been a painful time on Sunday. My eye infection was cured by my tears from the early morning at his death bed, till the time I buried him. I hate this to be an initiation. I really do. How I wish there was someone who rightfully belonged in my position to take over my place. Insya Allah, I will be forgiven for such thoughts. All I had wanted then was for someone more able to do what I did.

I really hate myself for being there. I know it's no one's fault. I know they needed someone strong enough to carry him. And it was one of the days that I wished I wasn't as physically strong as I was.

I have never loved Ya'akub. I have never thought of him as my own. I only saw that he was my responsibility since I am with Su. And that's probably why I am feeling the way I am feeling now. I pitied him. I was fortunate not to see his fall from grace, when he was a high-flying teacher to an advanced stage Parkinson's patient. I simply saw him as a fragile and vulnerable man who needed all the attention, medically and emotionally one could possibly give.

On the day of his demise, I wanted to pay for everything. It was my way of showing that I accepted him in my life, even though the bond between us was very different, as Su mentioned. I was not family and I was not close. Maybe that's why we got along well. I did not know him well enough to understand his physce. I chose not to listen to what others had to say about him. I did not protect him. I simply told others not to judge. And I tell them again and again. It is not for us to judge. It will come the day when we all would be judge for what we did, and for what we failed to do.

Suraya is my number one priority now. She means so much more to me now that she's without a father. Many may claim that she was without a father from the day of the divorce. I disagree. Even with the onset of Parkinsons, Ya'akub was still her dad. She could go to him anytime she wanted. The poor girl now is left without one. Insya Allah, I will play both role of husband and father well.

I have never grown up with a loving father. I never had the need for one. I think I would make a better father than my own. Seeing Su cry on his deathbed, and seeing her sob in front of his grave, the surge of responsibility to care for her, as though from Ya'akub directing me himself from the grave was powerful.

I remember telling Su late last night on the horn, that I have this feeling that Ya'akub was really at peace. She told me that it is in sickness, that Allah swt takes away all of one's sins. Insya Allah, when Ya'akub passed, he was clear of sins. Insya Allah, he is more comfortable where he is now than when he was alive with Parkinsons. I can sense his peace withh everything and more importably with Allah swt.

I would've liked to have spent quiet and quality time with Su since Sunday. But because of prayers, it was difficult. Now, all I wanna do is to be with her and comfort her and pamper her. Tears are filling my eyes when I read what this little girl said when she first found out her dad had Parkinsion's and she was trying to deal with it and accept it. She said :

"I miss his travelling antics when we were young. My active dad who made me such an avid traveller. I dedicate all my travels to him."

My heart sinks each time I read this, or each time she says things to this effect. How sweet and pure is her. Insya Allah, I will treasure her and love her more and more and more each day.

To everyone who is reading this, my special thanks again for all your prayers and thoughts. On behalf of the family of the late, I thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of our hearts. May Allah bless all of you and your familes.

It is just too painful to continue writing. Forgive me.

jahwsl
1156
06 Feb 07'

A Great Man Deserves A Great Funeral

I cry till today for Ya'akub. Not so much so for what's happened. But whether he wished for me to carry him from the hospital all the way to the grave, and finally, me burying him and be the last one out of his grave. Astafrullah. I seek forgiveness for everything I've done that may have displeased him in death.

I feel horrible not knowing. It's been a long day since Sat when I arrived at the hospital. All those times, I was still thinking that he would pull through. I comforted Su saying with the type of personality he had, he was not gonna give in.

My rememberance of him, in life, was this guy, like me, always had his way. In a way, we were both able to laugh about it and share personal moments with the knowledge of our personalities. In life, I would probably hate him, but I wouldn't know. In death, I knew I cried for the loss of such a great man. The truth is evident. He had a tournout of 500 people on the day of his death and the biggest entourage in the cemetary.

Ya'akub, to me, was a grown man who more or less knew what was happening around him, regardless of his medical condition. He understood his daily routine, he knew when to expect a massage, he knew when I would fool around with him... he knew when I was having a fight with Su.

The last time Su & I had an arguement, he stared at me. I stared back, like I would do to most people. He didn't flinch. Like me, he knew that Su's a naughty and stubborn girl. And like me, he wanted to protect his favourite daughter. We're both alike in that aspect. Baring the choices we both made in life were different altogether. He studied and believed in education. I did not.

Ya'akub, I do not know you well, and I do not like you one bit. But I've always treated you fairly and as best I could. Insya Allah, you will feel that. I know you wouldn't like me to be your son-in-law as well. But we'll never know for sure now.

I ask for your forgiveness for being there when I probably shouldn't. My role shouldn't have been there for me in the first place. I know you wished to have someone you'd known. I am sorry buddy. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.

But know one thing for sure, you may never be my father-in-law, but you'll always be my buddy. Rest in Peace my friend. Allah is Merciful and Gracious and He knows you've suffered for so long a time. Insya Allah, we'll meet again when the time comes. I'll never forget you. Suraya is my responsibilty now. Do not worry. Insya Allah, I'll give her the same and more of the love you gave her, and provide for her a comfortable life. Pray for me that I do. Insya Allah.

jahwsl
1102
06 Feb 07'