Meals on Wheels

A man struck with stroke on his right side of the body walked into Ba'alwi today. Nothing unusual. There are people who are weak, in wheelchairs and with certain disabilities that do find the strength, courage and discipline to go to the mosque for Jemaah prayers.

He doesn't stand and do his takbeer. He improvises while kneeling and of course for other movements as well.

The thing that struck me most was that his stroke hit his right side of the body. One action that really shamed me, as an able bodied person was that when after prayers, he used his left hand to hold up his right hand to 'wipe' his face.

Don't I feel useless now. Here we have a brother who suffers and yet he finds the strength to pray. How many times have I felt too lazy, too tired, too whatever? And here he is, as if a message from Allah, telling me," Hey ass-hole, I put this person in front of you to show you how insignificant you are to Mr. You of all people, brag about how fast and how far you can run and carry loads on your back while you are doing so. Big deal. Look at him! I've taken away his mobility and much of his physical strength. I've also taken away his self-worth. But he is blessed for he does what most people would not do. He climbed up and sought Me."

All right, maybe He would not say those exact words, but I do believe it forms the basis of my inadequacy now. Ahamdulilah! How great it is to see someone who finds the power of faith amist his difficulity! My tounge rolls of words of praise to Him who have promised to deliver us. As in the Beatitudes in the written in the bible - "Blessed is he, who does not see, but believe". Surely this person is not far from the Kingdom of Heaven! Ahamdulilah!

We are so blessed with the mobility, agility and the strength of movements to illustrate His Name. Yet, as pious and as God fearing as we are, we find excuses. I am no different. The only consolation that I use to fool myself is that I collectively prayer 5 times a day (I kadak some prayers and do them at one go, which, defeats the purpose in so that I see now).

Then again. So what? Big fuck if you pray 5 times a day. Are you a better person from it? Do you do good? I admit, I still stare back when people throw looks at me. The human or rather basic aggressive instinct remains honed in my behaviour. I have no qualms starting a fight. Sigh.. at this age, I still behave like a pre-pubescent kid. Probably learnt it from my dad. Or mom. My brother is meek. He doesn't dare argue back when he's pushed or bullied. He'll just back off. That's him.

Anyways, Ahamdulilah! Ahamdulilah! Ahamdulilah! Shame me Allah for You are right to do so! Thank You for putting me back on track. I love life. I love You. And I would love to be a better person for everyone. You have strategically placed people in my lifes to wake me up. And I know that for the past 20 years, I've refused to see Your Way. I had always thought that it was others who were failing. What a fool I have been. What a fool to think that I did not ned You! Forgive me, for I carry the sins of 100,000 men on death-row.

But I rejoice! I rejoice that You love me enough to guide me, again & again! Ahamdulilah! Teach me! Guide me! Bless me! More importantly, give everyone 10 times more of what You would give me! I ask this so that I can prosper from their examples. They are more deserving! Ahamdulilah!

jahwsl
1211
04 Nov 06'

We Stand Alone Together

Ahamdulilah! I've been doing all my 5 required prayers everyday (ok... not at the prescibed times... but I try). Sometimes (all right... most of the times) I like to gather all my prayers and spend an hour in the mosque praying. I find almost any excuse to go to the mosque! And Insya Allah, I will have more days of fun!


Sunat Hajat prayers is one of my favourite prayer protocol. It's the time when I can speak in english to Him. It's also the time when I can improvise my praying methods. Don't get me wrong. I like doing Jemaah prayers. The trouble is, I do not understand most of the time, the meaning of the prayers. I am pretty much monkey see, monkey do. I raise my hands when everyone else does. I say Amin when they say, a split second later. I do enjoy a mass prayer, but I can get pretty lost most of the times.

Sunat Hajat allows me to express myself freely. I hope and pray that one day, Su & me will be able to do that prayer as a married couple, Insya Allah.

It's not so much of asking Him for things during this prayer of requests. It's about knowing that He hears me. As Jesus once prayed before the night of The Cruxifixtion, "Lord, let this cup pass before me, but if it is Thy Will, let it be done". How wonderful his total submission to God! Ahamdulilah! This prayer is used in every single mass, before the holy communion. His prayer shows that in this time, he is man. Normal, ordinary, common. He showed his fear as well as his insecurity. The catholics do not worship Jesus per se. It is his element that is praise-worthy. Unfortunately, some people do get the wrong idea. Many, in fact do. Insya Allah, they will see the Truth that was designed for us Man... Insya Allah, God will guide them to read and learn more!

I submit to him and accept that my prayers are amongst the countless that go before Him every single second. It is with sincerity that I say this. As long as He knows that I praise him, glorify Him and thank Him for all that He has done and given to me... Insya Allah, surely we are promised to be in the garden of heaven! Insya Allah!

It is tough to hope and pray every single day, especially a person like me does not believe in destiny or fate. I do understand and accept divine will, but I would also like to think that I am in control of my life. How silly of me. Could I have forgiven Su's mother and try to patch up by myself? Could Fauz have forgiven me for the things that I have done? Ahamdulilah! Allah, among all people have showed me that the people who does not seem to carry His Teachings, carry the most! And the most dilligent of them they are! Ahamdulilah! I am ashamed! Having been across many parts of the world, seeing most things people can only imagine to see, knowing things that most people have the luxury not to know has made me an arrogant person. I have forsaken Him. In all honesty, I have been touched by Fuaz, a person I least expect, to show me what a true muslim is. Forgiving and caring. Ahamdulilah! May Allah bless her!

Suraya has taught me the value of prayer. In the initial times when we dated, she had not qualms about picking up and leaving to pray during times of prayer. There is very very seldom a time when she would miss and payback the particular prayer. Ahamdulilah and praises to Him for allowing me to meet Su. Stubborn in the right ways (sometimes) and loving in many other ways... Insya Allah, we will build our family (four kids... she wants four kids!) with the foundation of hope, faith and chasity for the love of Allah! Insya Allah!

jahwsl
0309
03 Nov 06'

Dong Guan KTV

Insya Allah there will be more days like this! Wanna know what happened today?! Of course you do! That's why you're logged on religiously day after day! Thank you. A big thank you for all of you who have been following my thoughts through this blog. I am extremely grateful for all the kind comments, words of encouragement and well..."in-my-face" remarks. Thank you all. I hope I do not disappoint you... seems my life is getting a tad boring. I'll see what I can do with it ya?!

Event I - My 5th day into Puasa Enam! Count that! 5!!! Yeah!!! Mashi Hidup! Ahamdulilah!

Yup... 5 down... and Insya Allah.. one more to go! It's a good thing I do not have to go through menstural cycles. It's a real bummer when you need to fast and want to pray and stuff like that, especially when there's a "pay-back" system involved.

But I am glad I did do the fast. God has created this system of effectively combining 2 seperate occurances, one, an obligation, and the other a supplement, to make us all not feel too bad about what we did and what we didn't do! Ahamdulilah!

*The opinions expressed are solely of the blogger and does not reflect the views of whoever thinks they are entitled to an opinion that really matters to the blogger himself, i.e., Me!*

Anyways, I would like to think that I have gained a better margin on the days that I didn't fast for the month of Ramadan, ie, 7. So, in effect, even with the completion of the full Puasa Enam, I still owe one day. Let's look at it mathematically - 29 / 30 x 100% = 96.67%.

All right... now I'm pumping! Not only am I gonna achieve 100%, I aim to hit it out of the ballpark! Insya Allah! Yeah! Bring it on Satan! I'll fucking whoop your diddly ass back to the god-damm hole you came from and make sure you stay there. After all, I am Amir Hamzah!

But I must admit, I had it hard today. Was feeling really tired while I was out, and had a real bad headache. But Ahamdulilah! He gave me to push to make it happen!

I was out house hunting in the afternoon. Also, someone did want to have the bible that I was keeping for the past 8 or 9 years or so (never really got to using it), and went to meet her. She wanted to collect it over the weekend, but I really wanted someone who thought they needed it more to have it. I didn't have the heart to put it in the dumpster, it's not "haram" anyway. And mind you, though I've had it for nearly a decade, it's in real great condition! Ahamdulilah, I hope that she makes good use of it. Doesn't matter if she's not muslim. What matters is how good a person she is, and how good a person she wants to be. Insya Allah, more of us will be shown how wonderful the religion is, how beautiful with all it's poetry and stories and lessons to want to go through the challenge of learning His words. Insya Allah! And not only because they want to marry a muslim spouse!

Event II

It's Su's mother's birthday today. Actually, her sister asked Su if she wanted to join them yesterday for a joint celebration. In my wise (Ahamdulilah) opinion, I insisted that only the three of us, Su, her mom & me should go out. I do not deny I was a bad ass then (probably, to some people, I still am). I badly need a chance to prove myself again. To show her that I am not a loud-mouth ass jerk with a great butt!

Ahamdulilah! After maghrib, I took a bus down to the hawker centre opposite Goldenn Mile and met them there. Me being me, I took over the car to find a parking space. Ok, the carpark at the hawker can prove to be a little of a menance. Ahamdulilah, got one with little effort. The only problem is that I've not been putting on my glasses nowadays (I've perfect vision 6/6 but i use them for my night blindness). So I had to open the door while reserving.

Dinner was all right. Food was over-rated. The dye from the food is still on my fingers as I am typing this! Imagine what color my stomach is! Argh!!! No more tulang!!! Was having a really good time. Then decided to go to Zam Zam Restaurant to have more food, aka, Muturbak! Yeah!

Food was good this time! Yeah! had a great talk and laugh with both mom & daughter. Damm... I think her mom is beginning to feel that I am really gonna marry Su! And about time! Ahamdulilah! With talks about buying a HDB, and planning our lives... her mom would like us to stay nearer to her. Sigh... I really wish it was that simple. I've overcome my insecurities of staying near her mother, but I still cannot or rather not totally accepted the fact that the flats there costs as much as a condominium. The last transacted price on a flat in September was $525,000. I may as well buy a unit in Bayshore! But the fact is I want to get a HDB flat first to enjoy public housing subsidy. I cannot enjoy it if I get a private property first. Anyways... Insya Allah, He will show us a way...

Oh... I threw up from eating too much! Wahaha!!!

Event III

Insya Allah, Su & me will be getting married. When? Don;'t knwo exactly. But Su has this thing about getting married in an "old skool" mosque. And the one that she insists is Kampung Siglap. Not the new paryer hall, the original one which they are using as a Quran lesson thingy hall or room. I was on the horn with a nice lady from the mosque, and it was assuming that she found it so cute and unusual. Ok, she found it unusual first.

She explained to me that we would have to move out all the equipment in the room. Ok - no problem. It's gonna be ALOT of equipment - OK! NO PROBLEM! The thing is, I'd do much everything for Su (ok... circumcision would be soon... let me try to wash my pecker first without wetting my pants first), so, logistically, it MUST be solved. No worries. I can hack it. I've friends I can count on! Ahamdulilah! Oh... cannot have food in the mosque though. So it'll be a simple reception.

But really, the sweetest thing I heard today was when her mom asked:

Mom: When you both getting married?
Su: Next year... not too sure... but we aim for next year.
Mom: What if the flat doesn't come by the time you're married? So where would you stay?
Su: I'll stay wherever he stays.

*Aw...*

jahwsl
0247
03 Nov 06